Ranveer Singh, please insure your national tushie
Ranveer Singh's bum has generated more buzz than Shamshera did at the box office, both released around the same time. I say we insure it.
Exactly a week ago, on July 21, a Thursday, Ranveer Singh bared his bottom more than he bared his soul for PAPER Magazine.
His modesty, sheepishly covered by strategically placed hands and ingenious camera angles, was far from saved though. What could have been nipped in the ‘butt’ has now turned into a national tushie, err, issue. But no one seems to be telling him what to do next. Isn’t it obvious? Why, insure this national treasure, of course. Aur kya?
In a series of pictures later shared by the actor himself, Ranveer is seen sprawled on a Turkish rug reminiscent more of the object on the wax board in our Biology labs than Burt Reynolds’s iconic Cosmopolitan photoshoot. Over the week that followed, his tushie was accused of offending ‘women’s sentiments’ as told by a man on one hand.
And inspiring more women and men to go nude as told by another man (ahem, Ram Gopal Varma). If anything, the Turkish rug was in a better position to ass-certain if anything was offended, but no one asked it. The aam janta only swooned over being mooned. The khaas ones, debated through little television windows.
Seven days have gone by and we’re still refreshing our newsfeed to find more versions of that ass. Memes to television debates to a full-blown FIR filed by the Mumbai Police, that bum has generated more buzz than Shamshera did at the box office, released almost at the same time (July 22).
Some donated clothes to Ranveer’s naked pictures, not that it matters, for he is an out-and-out Gucci Boy and everyone knows that. Tables were broken over whether nudity laws in India should be amended. We wouldn’t be surprised if there is a petition demanding ‘Mumbai’ be renamed to ‘Bumbai’ because of that bum. Yet not a single one suggested he insure his buttocks.
Even Ranveer Singh is going about his usual business, dragging his very revered butt to events and getting life lessons from the Tata boss. He doesn’t even seem to understand the gravity in his butt. How tunnelled is our vision? I say we need to pull our heads out of the ass and take a crack at insuring those multifaceted sweet cheeks.
It isn’t unheard of if that’s what you are worried about. Jennifer Lopez has insured her booty for a bounty. So, Ranveer Singh could very well be bum-chums with JLo. But other than that, it is the very security that insurance offers that could save asses – literally and metaphorically – in the hour of need.
For, even though Ranveer’s fan army ass layage baithe hai, if Jayeshbhai Jordaar, Prithviraj and Shamshera are anything to go by, South invasion has left Bollywood’s bases exposed. Things are so bad that releasing Ranveer’s pictures in theatres would ensure a better chance of box office turnover than the films being rolled out. Aise mein, Ranveer must listen to himself and no one else. And us, when we say ‘insure that tushie’. Kuch toh surity honi chahiye life mein. Or in this case, ass-urity.